Lord of the Rings: Marriage Prospects
by Kitty-chan33
Summary: For anyone who's ever wondered what it would be like to marry any of the LotR characters, here's your chance to find out. [Part V: Meriadoc Brandybuck]
1. Part I: Frodo Baggins

A/N: I'd bet four naked hobbits that people have done Marriage Prospects for Lord of the Rings before now, but since I don't have four naked hobbits, I can't make any bets. (Just in case.) That being said, this is for those of you who ever wanted to know what it was like to marry one of the LOTR boys (or girls). I'm using a combination of bookverse and movieverse, and for the record, though, most of the physical descriptions are from the movie. My versions of the characters might seem to be a bit buttered up; it's the fast-talking door-to-door salesman that lives in all of us.

Disclaimer: We all know damn well that I don't own LOTR... If I did, then someone else would be writing this monstrosity.

**xxx**** Frodo Baggins xxx**

**Other names, titles, and aliases:**

_'The Ring-bearer': _Frodo's the one that carried the Ring to Mordor, remember?  
_'Elf-Friend': _Gildor called him this because he could speak Elvish.  
_'Mr. Underhill': _Frodo's assumed name in outside the Shire, though he only uses it in Bree at the Prancing Pony.  
_'The Halfling': _This is what Boromir referred to Frodo as when retelling a dream.  
_'Master': _Both Sam and Gollum call him master throughout the story.  
_'Bronwe athan Harthad': _(Endurance beyond Hope) Gandalf called Frodo this in an early draft of 'Many Partings.'  
_''Deputy Mayor of Michel Delving': _Frodo's position from November 3019 to Mid-Year's Day 3020.  
_'Frodo of the Nine Fingers': _Gollum bit off a finger of his, thus leaving him nine fingers. But this is Sam's idea of what Frodo should be referred to in those story-songs he's so fond of.  
_'Daur': _Frodo is called this at the Field of Cormallen.  
_'Maura Labingi': _Frodo's hobbit name.  
_'Iorhael':_ Frodo's Sindarin name.  
_'Bingo Baggins':_ Frodo's name in early drafts of Lord of the Rings. No, seriously.

**Appearance: **The first thing that most people notice about Frodo would be his enormous blue eyes. At times they seem to be a bit out-of-proportion to the rest of his hobbit-sized body (along with his feet), but, like most things in life, _bigger is better! _He's got a pair of lightly pointed ears hidden beneath that mop of dark, curly hair, which also managed to find its way down to his legs and feet. He seems rather thin and pale, considering the amount of time he spent trudging through the wilderness in the hot sun; maybe he's secretly related to a larger number of half-Elven Mary Sues than accounted for? Upon further inspection, the ring finger on his right hand is missing; if it had been on the left hand, you might have trouble with the whole wedding ring-deal, though I doubt Frodo would be into wearing _any_ ring. Also, the gap between his teeth doesn't seem to make him any less attractive than it would, say, Boromir.

**Clothing: **Frodo likes to wear hobbit clothes, because, well... He _is_ a hobbit. Since such is the case, he forgoes shoes and the bottom third of the hobbit-breeches. At the beginning of the Quest, he's dressed fairly well in a brown waistcoat, vest, and breeches, with a floofy white shirt underneath. Sometime after Bree he acquires a cloak, then Galadriel gives him an Elven cloak. (Spiffy thing, that was...) By the time he reaches Mt. Doom, though, a majority of his clothing has gone missing, and if the Quest had been longer, I'm guessing he would have been naked by the time he had destroyed the Ring. Damn... But as a side note, make sure to get Frodo some different hobbit-breeches; the ones often present don't fit quite correctly, thus showing off a few (very nice) things.

**Intelligence: **Bilbo taught him a few nifty things, including a fairly good knowledge of the Elven language. Frodo apparently likes to read, but I do sometimes wonder exactly _what_ he's reading... Your guess is as good as mine on this one. Frodo appears to like to write as well. He knows calligraphy (yeah, there's a skill that's _really_ useful in life...), but I would imagine that he gets sloppy sometimes, thus resulting in ink stains on his hands and clothes. Better learn how to get ink out of shirt sleeves, honey...

**Personality: **Before he inherited the Ring, Frodo was pretty happy and well-adjusted, even though his parents had died. Living with Bilbo didn't seem to change his personality too much; he was still jolly and merry up until the Ring came to him But alas, the damn Ring ruined everything. It made him slightly insane while he possessed it, almost like a drug. Along the Quest, he bares his only heroic qualities: endurance and willingness, but they quickly disappear upon his return to the Shire. Once back home, Frodo remains a bit reserved and melancholy. Try to be as comforting as possible when he goes into random fits of depression, due to one Ring-related thing or another.

**Finances: **Frodo is the sole heir to Bag End and its fortunes, so don't plan on being too poor. I would keep a sharp eye out for Sackville-Bagginses trying to steal things, if I were you. Maybe spend a bit of that unused money on a security system to keep out unwanted visitors; you know, the kind that shoots flaming arrows at intruders? That'll keep 'em out!

**Home Economics: **According to various fanfiction sources, Frodo is a horrible cook. Of course, what can be expected when someone has cooked for you your entire life? If you're an awful cook as well and can't do it yourself, I would expect Sam would be more than happy to cook for Mr. Frodo and his wife.

**Combat: **Fighting is definitely not one of the things Frodo excels in. Thank the Valar for Sting, Aragorn, and the Mithril shirt, or else this puppy would be long gone! Anyway, don't expect Frodo to succeed in valiantly rescuing you from hordes of Orcs anytime soon; the most he could do would be to inform our favorite Ranger on your disappearance, and then huddle up with the other hobbits next to a campfire and cry his little heart out. Upon Aragorn and yourself returning from your capture, don't be too upset with Frodo for not rescuing you. Even though he loves you, there wouldn't be much he could do to save you.

**Special Skills: **Not too many of these... Umm... He can do calligraphy-With nine fingers-And look adorable doing it? Yeah, that works, I think...

**Competition: **No one canon, really... Goldberry is the first thing that comes to mind, but I have a feeling she slipped something extra into Frodo's "water," which was already drugged. Even before Frodo gets to Bree, he forgets Goldberry, and she isn't mentioned for the duration of the story. So most likely she was a one-nighter, if that. Then there are fangirls, of course, but they don't _really_ count, do they? A small number of Mary Sues have become attached to Frodo, but they're relatively easy to dispose of. (Ask Gandalf to send them back to wherever they came from; I'm sure he won't mind sparing a minute of his time for Frodo's wife.) Slashers (including myself, at times) have paired him up with just about everything on Middle-Earth that breathes, so if I were you, I'd pray to the Valar that he's actually straight. Some common examples of his male partners would be Sam, Aragorn, Legolas, Merry, Pippin, Bilbo, Gandalf, various Bree Ruffians... Quite a few, huh?

**In-Laws: **Drogo and Primula Baggins are, well, dead. They drowned in a tragic boating incident on the Brandywine River, but think of it this way: you don't have to worry about your mother-in-law hating you for any reason. Of course, you'll never get one of those "you're the daughter I never had" speeches from her, but I think you'll survive. Bilbo will make a great cousin/uncle-in-law. He's friendly and cheerful, if not a bit insane due to the Ring. He was pretty well-preserved for a while when he had the Ring, but by the time you get there, I'm sure he'll be next to dead, if not that. Be aware that there are distant relations, including the Sackville-Bagginses. (Give them more spoons when you meet them; it'll annoy the hell out of 'em!)

**In Bed: **If you're not careful, he may blush himself into oblivion, as well as embarrassment. (If all the blood is in his face, that might pose a _slight_ problem down south...) Try to be sweet and thoughtful, and let him go beneath the covers should he wish to. The worst thing to do would be to scare him off. I get the feeling that whenever you choose to hit the sheets, it would be his first time. Let him explore a bit; be submissive. After all, having saved all of Middle-Earth and going without anything but a few lustful looks for more than fifty years deserves a few times on top, right? And try to refrain from the Sting jokes; he won't find them funny, just annoying.

**Bad Habits: **Frodo, like most hobbits, is a smoker, but at least he usually takes it outside. Don't expect him to stink up Bag End with pipesmoke. He's also an avid nail-biter; don't let him teach that trick to the kids, it's annoying as hell to get them to stop.

**Other: **Frodo is sometimes prone to sudden, unexplained illnesses and injuries. It would be wise to keep one of those super-duper handy-dandy Rangers-turned-Kings about just in case, but if you're unable to find one of those, a miracle-worker and a first aid kit will do just fine. If taken care of properly, Frodo usually recovers in about a week or so, but make sure he's completely well again before going out and about. Wouldn't want him to catch another case of pneumonia in July...

**Conclusion: **If you like your shoulder being cried on (You know you love it; don't deny it!), then Frodo might just be the guy for you. Be extra sweet to this sensitive blue-eyed cutie, and he'll remain yours for a long time. He'll be sure to remember your anniversary, and there most likely won't be "another woman" anytime soon. As a parting note, don't let him on any boats until you know you've got him for sure.

**xxx**** Frodo Baggins xxx**

A/N: Reviews are really nice; naked hobbits are nicer, though. If you haven't got any of those, a review will be just fine. The character for next chapter will be determined by popular request, and also by what mood I'm in when writing. (You know, sometimes I'm in a Legolas-mood, other times a Pippin-mood... Today I was in a Frodo-mood.) The name references are from www(dot)tuckborough(dot)net; I'm not really smart enough to know all that. (But hey, at least I'm smart enough to find someplace with all that stuff in it! You gotta give me points for that!) And, just so you know, the 'Other' category was a reference to FrodoHealers.


	2. Part II: Legolas

A/N: Wow, I've updated again! I don't usually update so quickly, but today was a snow day, so I took advantage of it! Anyway, by the name of the chapter on that little purple bar up there _(points to chapter navigator)_ you should see that this chapter is focused on Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood. I'm trying to answer reviews every chapter this time around, so here are the ones from last time:

Moriarwen: Ooh, thank you! Thank you _very_ much, in fact; the first naked hobbit for my collection! I'll keep it safe and sound under my bed until I need it to do my homework... Or something... Which hobbit am I receiving?

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Seriously Wrong: Ouch.

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Kimbob: Simmer down, girl! Anyway, here's the Legolas chapter, because you asked...shrieked...yeah.

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Akio the Dragon Master: Wow, I didn't think it was that funny, but I'm glad you enjoyed it.

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Aisha: Thanks! Here's the next chapter for you. P.S.- Tell your wrist to hurry up and stop being broken. I love long reviews!

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Lady Lalaith: (nods sympathetically) Yep, Frodo's at the top of my 'People to Adore' list, too.

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Wacko the Sane: Aragorn will probably be the featured character next chapter, so don't worry.

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Marlboro Extra: I'll accept hogtied hobbits, too, but it's such a hassle to strip them when their hands and feet are all tied together; I'd hate to ruin their adorable hobbit-clothes by cutting them off...

Disclaimer: Hit the back button and refresh your memory.

xxx Legolas xxx

Other names, titles, and aliases:

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'Greenleaf': The translation of the Sindarin form of Legolas' name. 'Legolas' really means 'a collection of green leaves' or just 'green leaf,' but to put it into one word just seems cooler, doesn't it?

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'Laiqulalasse': The Sindarin way of his name. (Thanks to Aisha for that one!)

Disclaimer: Hit the back button and refresh your memory.

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Appearance: For a period of time (sometime in 2002, I think), Legolas was regarded as the sexiest creature on (Modern-day) Earth. Of course, who wouldn't fall for a tall, hot guy in tights? According to Tolkien, Legolas _might_ have dark hair, but Peter Jackson had different ideas; now Legolas is bleach-blonde, even though his eyebrows aren't. (Either way is fine with me, for the record.) Anyway, Legolas is willowy, lithe, and lightly muscled, and sports a pair of those pointy Elven ears. Despite the treacherous battles and treks through sunny areas and weeks without bathing, his skin remains a unchanging lightly-tanned color: not bruised, scratched, scraped, freckled, or blemished whatsoever. ...How does that work? As you might have noticed before, Legolas has a pair of deep brown eyes that (while not as enchanting as Frodo's) have made many a fangirls swoon before him.

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Clothing: Legolas seems awfully fond of forest-y colors; soft greens and browns. This might have something to do with his woodland heritage, but you can never be too sure. All his clothes fit snugly, as if to say to the rest of the Fellowship, "I'm hotter than you all!" His tunic is that leafy shade of green, as are his leggings/tights. And by golly, I've got a feeling whatever he wears underneath is green as well, if it's not _actually _a leaf. If I were you, I wouldn't fret about the grass-stains too much when laundry day comes around; you can't see them, since his clothes are the color of grass anyway. He never seems to part with his bow and quiver, both of which hang "unobtrusively" over his shoulder.

**Intelligence:** He's an Elf. Elves happen to be very wise. Thus, Legolas is very wise. He might not be exactly _smart_, but at least he's wise. He's been around for ages, though, so he should know _something_ useful. Also, I'm sure he knows all sorts of useless nature-y things that seem sickeningly romantic when whispered to a blushing bride. ("Your eyes are as lovely as blooming crocuses, my blushing bride.")

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Personality: He's a bit reserved from the rest of the Fellowship at first. I mean, I'd be reserved too if my only companions were eight grunting, sweating men. While on the Quest, he needed to be keeping a sharp ear out for hordes of Orcs approaching (all of them intent on murder), so he didn't really have a chance to chat away like the hobbits did. When in battle, Legolas is as fierce as a raging bull, though his pretty face doesn't really show it too well. When out of battle, he spends quite a bit of time being mournful about things no one really knows about, but he can have his happy moments as well (though they're rather sparse). I wouldn't really count Legolas as one of those bursting-at-the-seams-with-warm-and-fuzzy-feelings guys, but I'm sure he'd give you a cuddle or a kiss if you really needed one.

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Finances: Your husband is the Prince of Mirkwood, so we can only assume things are pretty good in this department. And don't worry about robbers; he'll shoot them dead in a second if they come near anything, preferably with those flaming arrows Frodo finds so useful. Perhaps he'll pay you and Legolas for some.

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Home Economics: I don't think I've seen Legolas eat anything _but_ lembas, so I wouldn't expect anything too great to come from his kitchen. I'm sure the other Mirkwood Elves will take good care of you and cook you anything you want, but that's hardly a consolation for a wedding cake made of lembas, isn't it?

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Combat: He's got that quiver of arrows that never runs out, so if his aim is true, you don't ever have to worry about being attacked by anything while Legolas is around. He keeps his bow around him every second of every minute of every yeah, you get the picture: you're safe. Apparently falling asleep with that Elven bow poking into your back has its advantages. (Or _is_ it the bow? Might wanna think that over, then skip to the 'In Bed' section if you're that impatient to discuss the big nasty.)

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Special Skills: Let's see... He can shoot a million Orcs a minute, he doesn't need to sleep, he can walk on snow, he can bring down an oliphaunt quite effortlessly, he's got that smile only attainable from a lucky gene pool or cosmetic surgery; yep, Legolas has pretty much got it made.

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Competition: Fangirls, fangirls, fangirls, and what's this? _More fangirls!_ If you can beat down literally _millions_ of hormone driven teenaged girls, then Legolas is all yours! Forever and ever! But don't get your heart set on it; there are those other couple-million fangirls out there who want the _exact_ same thing as you, and they mean business! Also, Gimli might pose a slight problem for those with slash on the brain, as well as the rest of Middle-earth that Legolas may or may not come into actual contact with, but Gimli is the biggest same-sex threat. You might want to stock up on weapons and such while you can. (Mustard gas, a nightstick, ninja throwing stars, and anything else that will keep an unruly mob and an angry Dwarf at bay.)

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In-Laws: Thranduil, King of Mirkwood. Fancy, huh? I doubt he likes trespassers too much (i.e.- Those of other races.), so be careful around him. Better yet, be a suck-up; he'll either love you or despise you for it, but being it's a risk that should be taken if it means peace with your father-in-law.

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In Bed: Not many people can tell me how the Prince of Mirkwood is under the sheets, but those I've talked to all say it's absolutely wonderful! Legolas has been around the block more than once, so he undoubtedly knows a few tricks that will keep you coming back for more, night after night after night. Expect him to be gentle; lots of touchy-feely things and whatnot. And he'll stay with you afterwards (He's an Elf; he's got all the time in the world.), whispering sweet nothings in your ear as you fall asleep. And when you wake up, he'll be right there next to you, still killing time. And yes, his bow and arrows will probably be within three feet of you two the entire time.

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Bad Habits: If Legolas tends to be a bit mournful about things that don't concern him, don't be to worried. Elves like to angst about things that don't affect them. Also, if you can't seem to get Leggy to put down his bow and arrows for a second to be with you, ask him for some target practice. While you're holding the bow, attempting to aim it at a tree, break into a full sprint and stash the damn thing somewhere before Legolas catches you.

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Other: He's sort of... immortal. But never fear, perhaps he'll pull an Arwen and give up his immortality to be with you when you die. I don't think he would, though; he's not dumb enough to give up eternal life for something as small as a wife who'll remain with him for about thirty or forty years. When you're dead, he might go off with another (younger) fangirl; don't get too mad about it. At least he's happy.

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Conclusion: A hot Elven prince with extraordinary fighting skills and a group of interracial lifelong friends: a good catch. Whatever you do, do _not_ throw this fishy back into the pond that is Middle-earth/Hollywood; take him home and put him on display in your bed. All your friends will be jealous and probably hate you, but that's not such a price to pay for the Prince of Mirkwood taking the role of husband in your life, now is it? Didn't think so...

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xxx Legolas xxx

A/N: I'm still on the lookout for naked/hogtied/anything-else hobbits (preferably ones that have been named), along with reviews. (You see, naked hobbits are a wonderful substitute for dolls, seeing as they don't break quite as easily.) Again, I'll do the next chapter's character by popular request, so if there's anyone out there dying to see a certain character written, just send me a nice little review. (Though I'll probably write for Aragorn next, since Wacko the Sane asked first.) Ta ta!


	3. Part III: Aragorn II

A/N: Wow, I'm updating so quickly lately! It's like I've got no life! (sigh) Since I've got as much spare time as an Elf, I can answer reviews again!

Akio the Dragon Master: Yeah, and if you hide the bow and arrows in a rotting, mushroom-covered, termite-infested log, Legolas probably won't want to stick his hand in there and get them out. I mean, would _you?_

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Dreammistress Jade: Thank you very much, m'dear! You see, if a hobbit won't spill the info to you, all you need to do is tickle him. Works every time, I promise!

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Dragon Fire 13: Ooh, another hobbit for my collection! Thank you! You're right, we wouldn't want Pip to get cold; you're a smart one!

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Aisha: I'll be sure to put that bit in the previous chapter. I'm glad for little bits of info like that; it just makes the story better when everything important is in there. Tell me if I miss anything else like that, would ya, hun? I've got a tendency to be a bit air-headed sometimes...I'll do another Elf as soon as I'm finished with the rest of the Fellowship, then maybe a few others. Which Elf did you have in mind?

Wacko the Sane: Legolas isn't exactly my favorite character, either. (I don't know why, though...) Anyway, here's Aragorn, since you asked.

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Queenstheif Draconess Herselve: Flattering reviews are nice, too, so don't lose any sleep over it. (As if! lol) Yes, I wrote Aragorn this chapter, so you can calm down.

DRUNKEN LANDLORD: Gosh, an _army?_ I'm not sure what I'd do with an army, exactly; _one_ Frodo would be plenty! But now I'll have a whole bunch more if I lose one at school! I wanna finish the Fellowship before I start anyone else, but believe me; you'll be the first to know when I write Éomer and Gríma.

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KimBob: Caffeine is good, but I seem to keep in the writing mood by eating hideously large amounts of salt. Weird, huh? (Gasp!) Now I've got a Sam-hobbit, too! Thank you so much! Now all I need is Merry, and I'll have my Fellowship-hobbit collection all completed! Woo!

Disclaimer: I'm sure your back button works. Click it if you _really _need to rub it in my face.

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xxx Aragorn II xxx

Other names, titles, and aliases:

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'Estel': When Elrond took Aragorn in as his foster-son, this was the name he was given by his foster-father.

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'Chieftain of the Dúnedain': Aragorn inherited this position in 2933, when his father died. (Big name for a two-year-old...) He didn't know about it, though, until he was 20.

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'The Dúnadan': What Bilbo and others in Rivendell call him. 'Dúnadan' means 'Man of the West.'

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'Isildur's Heir': Aragorn is a direct descendant of Isildur, who was the son of Elendil. (The last

of the Lords of Andunie of Numenor and the first King of Gondor and Arnor, for those who don't know.)  
_'Thorongil': _The name given to Aragorn by the Men of Gondor, under the service of Ecthelion II. It means 'Eagle of the Star' and refers to Aragorn's swiftness, keen sight, and the silver star he wore.

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'Strider': Aragorn's assumed name in the Bree area, given to him because of his long legs, and thus, long strides.

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'Elessar': Aragorn's name when he was crowned King of Gondor and Arnor. The name refers to the green, eagle-shaped brooch Galadriel gave him when he left Lothlórien.  
_'Elfstone': _It means 'Elessar' in Common Speech.  
_'Envinyatar':_ It means 'the Renewer.'  
_'The Renewer':_ Vice-versa of 'Envinyatar.'

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'Telcontar': This is the name chosen by Aragorn for his royal house, and himself. (Sort of...)

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'King of the Reunited Kingdom of Gondor and Arnor': Just as the name reads...

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'Lord of the Western Lands' and 'King of the West': Same as the name above.  
_'Lord of the White Tree':_ Same as above. The White Tree is a reference to Gondor.

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'Wingfoot': Aragorn is called this by Éomer when he learns of how quickly Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli came to rescue Merry and Pippin from the Uruk-hai.

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'Longshanks': A name for Aragorn from Bill Ferny, referring to Aragorn's long legs.

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'Stick-at-naught Strider': Another name from Bill Ferny.

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'Trotter': Originally, in the early drafts of Lord of the Rings, Aragorn's character was meant to be a hobbit named Trotter. No, I'm serious.

Appearance: Where to start, where to start... Since Aragorn spends most of his time trekking through the wilderness, his appearance is... less than well-groomed, to put it nicely. Another nice thing to say would be that he's rugged; a little rough around the edges. Aw, who am I kidding? The man is filthy! His dark hair is a bit greasy, tangled, and overall on the messy side. Since he's short a razor for a while, he's got a bit of a shaggy beard. High cheekbones accentuate his greyish-blue eyes; possibly the only part of him that isn't hidden by dirt, hair, or leather. His aging process is a bit delayed; for being around 90, he's only a _weenie_ bit wrinkly. But hey; he's under a lot of stress; give him a break. He cleans up pretty nicely, though, but it's just not the same...

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Clothing: Aragorn seems to be rather fond of those black Ranger outfits. He seems to only have one, though (and it' rather filthy), so I'd want to head on over to Rangers-R-Us before I introduced him to my parents. Anyway, his clothing is not revealing in the slightest; I think the only parts of him you really see are his hands and head. He wears a black jacket-thing, black leggings, black boots, and some color tunic underneath all that. (I get the feeling it's black.) Aragorn has this obsession with being alert and ready to defend himself against an attacker at all times, so he usually carries a sword, a dagger, and probably a whole lot of secret Ranger-weapons that we'll never see. (I'd bet the One Ring that he's got ninja throwing stars somewhere on his person.)

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Intelligence: Aragorn, no matter how many stupid things he does ("No, you guys! Let's let Frodo and Sam go off on their own so that they can get themselves killed!"), is actually fairly smart. He's really good at thinking on his feet; this comes in handy when in a battle, and seeing as Aragorn is still alive, he's really a quick thinker. He's good at strategic thinking as well, as in leading an army. Also, he's got one hell of a lot of Ranger techniques up his dirty sleeve. From tracking a flock of Uruk-Hai cross country to healing Frodo of a rainbow of fatal diseases (_Again_ with the FrodoHealers!), this guy can do it all!

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Personality: Aragorn's personality is a bit tricky to pinpoint. At first, he comes across as just commanding and bossy, not allowing the hobbits their proper nutrition. (As if!) He seems detached but caring at the same time; almost as if he wants to help, but is too shy to do so. But, as time goes on, he eventually warms up to the Fellowship, the hobbits especially. And I'm sure he's had his fair share of whispery-gossipy-speaking-in-Elvish-so-no-one-else-can-understand-what-we're-saying moments with Legolas from time to time. Aragorn is also a bit flirty, a player of Middle-earth, though he'll deny this if you ask him. Even though he's betrothed to Arwen, he sees it necessary to fool around with Éowyn, getting her all confused about everything.

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Finances: At first, Aragorn has about the amount of money as does, say... A woodpecker. He seemed awfully glad to get a bed when he was staying at the Prancing Pony, and you could really tell he was upset to give it up to those greedy little hobbits. But never fear, you won't be living in a tent for too long when you're with Aragorn! You see, when he ascends to the throne of Gondor, you'll be livin' large! In that huge palace-thing, to be exact. And don't worry; Aragorn is smart enough to blow all his royal dough on a new Ferrari.

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Home Economics: I figure he can cook well enough to keep himself alive, seeing as he's, well... Alive. I doubt Aragorn is really into all that fancy castle-food, though. After living off small animals and fish for many years, I expect he's gotten used to it. But, if you two ever get locked out of the castle, think about all the things he could make for you in a campfire: squirrel-on-a-stick, fish-on-a-stick, bluebird-on-a-stick...

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Combat: If he wasn't such an amazing fighter, do you really think the Fellowship would have lived to see Lothlórien? Yeah, that's what I thought. Aragorn has a startlingly strategic mind, thus making it capable for him to maneuver the Fellowship through herds of Orcs relatively unscathed. (Though he did get pretty sloppy towards the end of FotR...) And don't worry, if those Orcs did manage to get their hands on you, you can be sure Aragorn would be the first one to come bursting into their icky Orc-camp to save you.

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Special Skills: Hmm... 'Ranger...' Yup, that pretty much sums it all up.

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Competition: Gosh, this is going to break your heart, but he's already in a relationship with Arwen. A very long-term one at that. She did happen to vow to give up her immortality to be with him forever and ever, so I don't really think you've got anything better than that to offer him. And anyway, Éowyn seems to have a teensy-weensy crush on Aragorn as well. Your best bet is to get Aragorn as drunk as possible so that he won't remember a thing after, then, later on, claim that he's the father of "your" baby. (Might wanna borrow someone's kid to "prove" it.) Or, send a nasty letter to Arwen from Éowyn, or vice-versa. They'll kill (or otherwise mutilate) each other, leaving Aragorn free for the taking!

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In-Laws: Aragorn's real family is dead, but his foster-family works just as well. Elrond, Elladan, and Elrohir might be a wee bit upset that you stole Aragorn from their precious Arwen (who, by the way, is also his distant cousin, as well as foster sister), but never fear. Take the borrowed baby along when you meet them, and they'll most likely agree with you that the kid needs a father around. So what if Arwen hates you forever?

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In Bed: (Only if Arwen and Éowyn are out of the picture, though!) Let's see... Aragorn strikes me as an always-on-top kinda guy, so don't enter the bedroom expecting to dominate anything. If I were you, I'd make sure Aragorn _bathed_ before he set himself down into my clean, white sheets, but hey... If you like it dirty, that's none of my business. (Ooh, _bad_ pun...) Anyway, Aragorn has certainly been on enough adventures as of late, so you'd have to pester him a bit to get him to try anything new. But, I'm sure he'd give in after a while; whining bothers him so...

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Bad Habits: He smokes a pipe, but is there anyone in Middle-earth that _doesn't?_

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Other: Keep a sharp eye on him when he's around other girls/women. He's _supposed_ to be loyal enough not to go for stuff like that, but then again... He was betrothed to Arwen.

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Conclusion: If you've managed to get Aragorn for yourself, just like Legolas and Frodo, he's a good catch. Don't throw him back into the pond unless you feel _really_ guilty about stealing Arwen's fiancé. Also, give him a bath before you take him home to meet your parents; they and their leather living room set will be glad you did.

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xxx Aragorn II xxx

A/N: Now that Aragorn is done, I'm wondering who you all would like to see next... Preferably one of the Fellowship, though. I'm still accepting naked hobbits along with reviews, though mine are getting a bit cold. Dragon Fire 13 was smart and sent along a blanket as well with Pippin. Extra blankets for the hobbits are appreciated, though not necessary. (I'll get the hobbits clothes _eventually_...) I know, I'm just _so_ caring.


	4. Part IV: Boromir

A/N: Since a large number of people asked for it, here's Boromir's chapter.

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KimBob: Yay! I got a Merry-hobbit from KimBob! (does a very happy dance) Yes, I know Aragorn has all his kingly clothes, but we only see them for about ten minutes at the end, and I'm too lazy to dig out the DVD from all those damn Extended Edition boxes. ...Yeah, salty foods and herbal tea with lemon work fairly well for writing. They seem to keep the mind focused on the task at hand. Never fear; I'll do Merry's chapter soon enough.

Akio the Dragon Master: I wouldn't wanna eat a squirrel, either. I've got a friend who's nickname is 'Squirrel,' too. (Creepy... lol) Only he spells is 'Squirl.' Yeah, Aragorn is pretty dirty at times, but he cleans up nicely in the end, though.****

Dreammistress Jade: The hobbit says he's Fatty Bolger, the little rascal! (giggles) Thank you; now my precious little hobbits won't freeze! (God, that would be traumatic...) Gee, you'd better get around to seeing the movies, hun. They didn't win eight thousand Academy Awards for nothing!

aisha: Wow... You know _so_ much more about this than I do, it's not even funny... I'll make sure to read The Silmarillion when I get the chance, though it probably won't be for a while. (I'll probably need to take notes to remember all that stuff!) If I do another Elf, it'll most likely be Elrond. Then, once I learn some about the them, I'll write Elladan and Elrohir. (Probably as one chapter, though...)

Boromir's Curse: Just in case you didn't notice (though I'm sure you did), here's Boromir's chapter. And I promise that once I'm done with the rest of the Fellowship, Faramir will be the next person I write. Just don't shoot me for making you wait a few more chapters for Faramir... (runs and hides from a horde of angry Faramir-fangirls)

Pasha ToH: Thank you very much!

EmySumei: For some reason, that's always my favorite section to write. Naughty Kitty-chan!

Wacko the Sane: I don't think actually stealing a baby is such a good idea, but if it lands you Aragorn... lol Yes, people keep reminding me of this, and you're no exception, I see. I'll write Éomer and Faramir as soon as I've written the rest of the Fellowship.

Mountain Bluebird: I had a feeling that Aragorn and Arwen were cousins, but I wasn't exactly sure about it, since I'm rather new to the Tolkien fandom. I'll make sure that I add that as soon as possible.

born to be hanged: Thank you; I'm glad to know that this is actually readable. (It seems like something I should know already, but there are a number of idiots out there who can't seem to navigate their way around a newspaper horoscope, so I can never be too sure.) In all honesty, I don't really know that much about the twins, but I'll bet I could find out a lot about them by reading something centered around them.

Dragon Fire 13: Thank you very much! I'm not so sure I can fit an entire naked Fellowship (plus Fatty Bolger and an army of Frodos) under my bed, though. But never fear! Kitty-chan's got a closet! (runs off to stuff Boromir into the closet)

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xxx Boromir xxx

Other names, titles, and aliases:

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'Captain of the White Tower': Boromir's military rank/position.

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'Captain-General': Since he was the overall commander of Gondor's forces, this is what his troops called him.

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'High Warden of the White Tower': Another title given to Boromir stating his military position.

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'Prince of the City': Boromir's father was the Steward (who ruled in the place of the King in Minas Tirith), so he was sometimes called the prince of said city.

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'Boromir the Tall, Boromir the Fair, Boromir the Bold': Names given to Boromir by Legolas and Aragorn when they launch his funeral boat. Since they wouldn't lie about their comrades, apparently Boromir was tall, fair, and bold. (Pretty general things to say about the guy, if you ask me...)

Appearance: If you ask Aragorn and Legolas, they'd say 'tall' and 'fair' were distinguishing features that described Boromir. But alas, 'tall' and 'fair' won't really cut it here (with mobs of adoring fangirls), will they? So... Tolkien described Boromir as having dark hair and grey eyes, but in the movie his hair is bordering on auburn, and just begging to be touched. Surprisingly, though, it doesn't seem to get dirty while he is with the Fellowship, but then again, it doesn't really have that much time to... (Hint, hint: he dies less than a third of the way to Mt. Doom.) Just like every other Man in Middle-earth, his face and jaw line have been graced with that never-growing-yet-never-being-shaved-off stubble. I imagine it's a bit prickly when it's rubbing up against bare female skin, but that never bothered any of the women of Middle-earth, did it? Anyway, in the movie, the rest of Boromir comes across to the audience as well-muscled and slightly fuzzy, from what we can see...

Clothing: For Boromir's clothes, layers seem to be the key: layers of rich green and gold and red. Layers take a while to put on, so Boromir evidently cares what he looks like. Apparently he doesn't mind being weighed down by about thirty pounds of velvet and chain mail and soft cotton, though I'm sure you'll mind when the time comes to remove them in a lustful haze and you've lost count of how many things you've already taken off him.

Intelligence: When we first meet Boromir, he's quite obsessed with the Ring. And when he leaves us, he's still infatuated with that tricky little trinket. So, it's quite difficult to judge how smart he actually is, and whether or not it's the Ring thinking for him. I assume that he was relatively smart to begin with, if not more so. He did manage to find his way to Rivendell, so he can't be _really_ stupid. And, while on the Quest, he was quicker than the rest of the Fellowship to notice a few semi-important things, but nothing earth-shattering. Since his father was the Steward of Gondor, he and Faramir must have been bought at least a basic education before being shipped of to war. (i.e.: reading, writing, basic mathematics, etc...)

Personality: Before he became consumed by the Ring's awesomeness, we can assume that Boromir was one of those nice-but-authoritative war heroes. He and his father got along reasonably well enough (seeing as he was the firstborn son of Denethor), but when matters shifted to Faramir, things happened a little differently. He seemed to love both his father and little brother a lot, and he seemed to wish that they could all be one big, happy family, living together in Minas Tirith. A total family-man, no doubt. And, even when on the Quest and being influenced by the Ring, Boromir proved himself to still be loyal and caring; even a bit fun-loving. He has a big soft spot for the hobbits, and most likely children as well. Hope you like waking up at four in the morning to the sound of a crying baby one room over, because I'm sure Boromir doesn't mind.

Finances: Well, since his father is the Steward of Gondor, we can assume Boromir's got things well off. He spends a lot of time running around in the woods and caves with his guy-buddies, though, so I don't think he really uses that money to his advantage.

Home Economics: I get the feeling that he's been waited on his entire life, so I don't think he's really into the whole 'cooking' thing. If I were you, I'd learn how to cook for myself, just in case Boromir, you know, dies.

Special Skills: Nothing really wonderful... He carries that big shield through a large portion of Middle-earth, and that's about it, I guess...

Competition: No one canon, though I'm sure that (attractive as he is) he's hit the sheets with a few women of Middle-earth before you happened upon him. Also, he's got an army of fangirls all stalemated against one another. Don't be expected to get past them without a damn good fight, though I'm sure it will mostly be tooth-and-nail. Purchase yourself a sledgehammer before you try to take on his posse of fangirls and Boromir will be yours in no time.

In-Laws: First of all, Boromir will probably be more than happy to introduce you to his little brother, Faramir. The two are very close, and they're probably bursting at the seams with embarrassing stories of one another. After Faramir gets used the idea of his big brother being engaged/married, he will most likely become one of your closest non-romantic male companions. And since he was more focused on his studies as a lad, he'll be a step up from Boromir (who was often out with the military), and the two of you can have more cultured conversations. The other family member Boromir will show you off to will be Denethor, the Steward of Gondor, and your father-in-law. Since he won't be grieving the loss of his firstborn son when you meet him, Denethor will probably be a pretty nice guy. Just don't get on his bad side, though, because this guy can be plain awful. Be a suck-up and compliment everything and anything under his power, and you'll be Denethor's favorite daughter-in-law in no time as opposed to Éowyn, whom he never actually met by canon standards.

In Bed: I'm assuming that Boromir is pretty good here; probably out of practice, though, so don't expect you're the first one he's ravished. He'd be on top most of the time, but I'd think he'd do whatever you wanted. Boromir seems like a family-man, so he'd probably be expecting an heir out of it, as well as a damn good time, so I wouldn't advise going on the pill just yet. Wait until you two have four or five kids before resorting to birth control, just so Denethor won't be hounding you and Boromir about grandkids forever. Being the slightly-adventurous sort that he is, Boromir might get tired of the same-old-same-old-by-the-book-stuff he's been getting for the past few years. What to do when that happens: anything you want. Try being the dominating one, for example.

Bad Habits: Even though I don't think we see it, Boromir probably smokes a pipe. (Why do I bother to put this? Everyone smokes! Seriously, _everyone!_) He's also a little obsessed with the Ring for a while, but that ends abruptly.

Other: Your husband might just come of an untimely death, you know, in the prime of his life, so one day when he plans to go off to Rivendell, don't let him. I repeat: _DO NOT LET BOROMIR GO TO RIVENDELL. HE WILL DIE IF HE DOES._

Conclusion: Boromir is extraordinary when you've got him, so _if _you've got him, flaunt him. Show him off to the neighbors and those asshole-aunts who said you'd marry a janitor. But, be wary of Orc arrows pointed his way. If you choose to let him go to Rivendell when I told you to make sure he doesn't, make him wear some better armor.

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xxx Boromir xxx

A/N: Alright, now that Boromir's chapter is done, I'm going to finish off the Fellowship, then proceed to Faramir, Éomer, and anyone else you feel the need for me to write. -Not that I'm annoyed that this is popular, it's just that I've got my work cut out for me, and I happen to get a bit cynical when that happens. Anyway, tell me which member of the Fellowship you want next, and happy reviewing from Kitty-chan!


	5. Part V: Meriadoc Brandybuck

A/N: Well... I'm late with this next chapter, as usual. I'll try to be a little more punctual in the future...that is, if you want me to continue with this fic. I've left it alone to gather dust for so long that I'm worried it's lost its momentum and people won't want to read it. (_sobs_) Anyway, here's Merry's chapter, so enjoy!

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xxx Meriadoc Brandybuck xxx

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Other names, titles, and aliases:

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'Master Holbytla': Merry's name given to him in Rohan. It means 'hole-builder' in their language.

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'Master Perian': As the Host of the West departs, Bergil calls Merry 'Master Perian.' 'Perian' means 'hobbit' in Sindarin.

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'Esquire of Rohan': Merry becomes an esquire when he pledges his fealty to King Théoden.

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'Knight of the Riddermark': Because of his valiant defense of Théoden and Éowyn, Merry was made a knight. The name was given to him by Éomer.

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'Master of Buckland': When his father died in 12 F.A., Merry inherited this title.

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'Meriadoc the Magnificent': A title given to Merry as Master of Buckland.

'_Counsellor of the North-kingdom':_ In 14 F.A., King Elessar made Merry this job.

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'Kalimac Brandagamba': Merry's hobbit name. (Who the hell thought this up?)

Appearance: As with most other hobbits, Merry has a head (and body, most likely) covered with golden-brown curls, that (if you haven't noticed) are often in need of a trim. But don't cut off too much; the shorter curly hair will only seem to hide his pointed ears even more than before, giving him a Princess Leah-ish look to him. Ugh... With a stronger chin and deeper voice than the other three, Merry seems to be the most 'manly' of the Fellowship's hobbits. To add to this, Merry is also the tallest of the four. (He was already taller than Pippin to begin with, and if he and Pippin gained two inches when drinking the Ent draughts, that makes him the largest of the four. Yeah, don't think about it too much; it doesn't really matter.) And, although he spends many months away from the Shire, in the rough, uncultured rest-of-Middle-earth, Merry's fingernails and hands always seem to be perfectly manicured; continuously there to swipe those honey-colored curls away from stormy-blue eyes. (Merry's a metrosexual...so what?)

Clothing: Merry seems to be a guy for fashion as well as manicures; he dresses at the peak of hobbit fashion, sporting both yellow and green. For a good majority of the time, he's wearing one of those floofy white shirts and brown breeches, both hobbit classics. (Can't go wrong with classics, folks!) And, just to make it clearer to those around him that he is indeed a hobbit, that nauseatingly yellow vest catches everyone's eye. Over that, he wears a greenish-brownish waistcoat. But alas; our eyes are still drawn to the yellow vest. Just like the rest of the Fellowship, Galadriel gives Merry one of those Elven cloaks with the leaf-shaped brooch. Later on, when he and Éowyn have snuck into the army, he dons a hobbit-sized suit of armor and a teeny-weeny helmet. He might have passed off as an overenthusiastic young man had he not left his feet and ankles bare the whole time; he looked like a silly little boy with an extremely sharp plastic sword.

Intelligence: We can all assume that Merry is generally a little smarter than the average hobbit, seeing as he's thought up enough escape routes to flee safely from Farmer Maggot and his dogs after stealing veggies with his little cousin. I'm sure he was caught once or twice, though, but cooked up a few nice lies to keep himself and Pippin from being flogged into oblivion. Even though Merry isn't exactly a genius, it was he who solved the riddle-puzzle-thing in Moria, so he's not a complete moron, either. Just don't expect any enlightening conversations about Newton's Laws of Physics anytime soon...

Personality: Merry is one of the happier characters in the series, and is almost always up for a laugh. When they are together, he and his little cousin Pippin are a pair of troublemakers as far as hobbits go, so don't take it too hard if you're the butt of a practical joke or two (or three or four or five or...). Merry shows enthusiasm beyond his small size, as Éowyn experiences when he comes close to slicing off her frock with a sword one evening, but he doesn't have quite as much respect for his superiors as he should. After all, he goes off to war when he's forbidden to because of his small stature. According to numerous fanfictions, Merry is a bit of a flirt around hobbit lasses, so be careful.

Finances: Though I'm not exactly sure what the Master of Buckland is, but it sounds like Merry will reap a nice fortune from it eventually...

Home Economics: Don't be surprised if Merry doesn't know how to cook; Sam did his cooking while the Fellowship was together, and I'll bet Éowyn fed him pretty well while off at war. If anything, he'll ask _you_ to cook for _him_, and quite often might I add! Hobbits need to eat more than twice as often as humans do for them to stay relatively comfortable, so you'd better learn all the different hobbit-meals and what Merry likes for each of them if you're going to be a decent wife!

Combat: Fighting isn't usually a hobbit's strong point, but since Merry was off at war for so long, it's expected that he generally knows what he's doing with a sword. (He might not try to grab the blade instead of the hilt after all...) He does allow himself to be carried off by Orcs, but he's only about three-and-a-half feet tall, so go easy on him!

Special Skills: Merry doesn't have too many of these, considering he's just an average little hobbit. He can probably do that silent hobbit-walking thing, but then again, what hobbit can't?

Competition: There's a little hobbit-lass named Estella Bolger who might pose a slight problem in your relationship, but I suspect she'll be rather easy to pick off. (Just pour some mercury into her well, and she'll be dead in no time at all!) If you prefer a less-permanent method of getting Merry for yourself (personally, I think that killing her would be easiest; that way she'll be gone forever and you'd never have to worry about it), try cooking for him. After all, the way to a hobbit's heart is through his stomach, so just give one of Rachael Ray's cookbooks a quick glance, and Meriadoc will be yours in about half an hour! Some seem to believe Merry and Éowyn had some sort of romantic fling while off at war, but I'm not too sure about that one. And now would be a good time to mention the popularity of Merry/Pippin slash, if you haven't already noticed it, so I wouldn't completely rule out the young Took.

In-Laws: I suspectSaradoc and Esmerelda will welcome you into the Brandybuck family eventually, even though you're not a hobbit lass, though it may take some time. Merry might be able to change their minds, seeing as he's their only child, and it would be oh-so-unfortunate for them to dislike his true love. Other than his parents, lots and lots of Brandybucks I don't know too much about will be in attendance at your wedding, and when you live at Brandy Hall, they'll be there as well. As for extended family, I don't know too much about them, either. Pippin and Frodo are two of Merry's numerous cousins, so don't think you'll never see them again after the wedding.

In Bed: I don't know why, but I get the feeling that it'll involve food in one way or another. Quite possibly the deed would also take place near a kitchen, if not in it. Merry strikes me as a slightly more-experienced one when it comes to this sort of thing, seeing as he seems to have quite a few lady-friends in fics. So, since he knows what he's doing, let Merry take the initiative and give you a nice evening. He'll probably be a bit of a tease, given his playful personality, and my slightly-sick mind won't give up the possibility of Peregrin joining you once in a while, just for kicks. But probably not. Merry most likely wouldn't go for that incestuous nonsense. But you can always hope...

Bad Habits: Merry, like everyone else in Middle Earth, owns a pipe, which he uses frequently, so expect him to smell a little like pipesmoke once in a while. Seriously, though, if he doesn't stop smoking, his teeth are going to turn as yellow as his vest! Ick! Also, he and Pippin like to do go down to the Green Dragon quite a bit, so don't be offended if they don't invite you. They need their boy-time. (Which, by the way, they'll spend getting drunk, dancing on tabletops, and then staggering home leaning on each other, all the while possibly singing and/or vomiting.)

Other: Since he and his little cousin imbibed the Ent Draught, Merry is a good two inches taller than an average hobbit. (And quite possibly _any_ hobbit.)

Conclusion: Aside from the addictions to smoking, drinking, and overeating, Merry would make a relatively good husband. He'd be open and honest with you, and I doubt

xxx Meriadoc Brandybuck xxx

A/N: Now that Merry's chapter is done, I'll probably do Pippin's next -- wherever Merry goes, Pippin is almost always right there behind him! (_refrains from making a Mary Had A Little Lamb pun_) Reviews are always appreciated, though not necessary this time since I was so very late.


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